Despite what you may see in TV or movies, the best sex demands open and explicit communication. It’s unlikely that in two seconds and two halfhearted thrusts, you’ll be reaching your climax, overcome by endless waves of orgasm and howling with euphoria.
Though your partner may really “get” you, and heck, they may even know how to make your body feel aaaamazing — it’s not always easy to express what we want to our partners. Let alone teach it.
Perhaps this is because talking about sex can make even the most confident of people feel a little sheepish. Perhaps it’s because we’re not exactly taught to know how to ask for what we want. Perhaps it’s that we don’t really know what we want in the first place.
Or maybe, it a whopping combination of all of the above — embarrassment, confusion, and ultimately, a lack of understanding of our own bodies and desires.
While it’s dangerous to label any part of consensual sex as “right” or “wrong,” it can be helpful to know some more effective ways to talk about pleasure. This can help us essentially teach our partners to give us what we want between the sheets.
Pleasure Is Not (Only) Orgasming
Sex does not have to have a goal. I’ll say it again — sex doesn’t have a goal. You’re not “bad” or “failing” at sex if you aren’t climaxing. Pleasure is doing something that feels good. While you may be stimulated to orgasm, sometimes you may just want to live in the moment of something feeling good. Maybe you love it when your partner licks your neck, or you go wild when they touch your nipples.
When you stop seeing “orgasm” as the point or finish line of sex, you open your intimate life to exploring so much more about your body. Spend time learning what feels good — exploring, experimenting, etc. and then do that for as ever long as you please.
Of course, if you realize that your partner is always finishing, and tends to spend no time even trying to return the favor, it may be time to switch things up. However, if you and your boo are simply enjoying the intimacy of sex, you don’t need to keep a tally about orgasms.
Those who can’t do, can’t teach
If you don’t know what you want, you’re never going to be able to communicate this to someone else. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t need to know exactly how many seconds or strokes it will take to get you off — this isn’t a kinky Tootsie Pop commercial — but you do need to take responsibility for finding what feels right for your body.
Do you like oral stimulation? Do you like penetration? Do you want something harder? Softer? With more lube? In the shower? The options are endless. Discovering what works for your body is the first step in being able to ask for it.
Feel It Out
One of the best pieces of sex advice I’ve ever heard was to think about how you want to feel during sex rather than trying to describe what you want your partner to literally be doing.
Do you want to feel like Princess Di on her wedding night? Do you want to feel like Shakira after hours?
Rather than saying “I want you to penetrate me hard” saying, “I want you to make me feel like a bad, bad, girl that needs to be punished” can be a sexy and less graphic way to as for what you want and teach your partner what to do.
You may not know what you need to partner to do. You may not know what they are capable of even doing. Establish how you want to feel during your romp, and then figure out together how to get there.
Get Comfortable Talking About Sex
It’s OK to talk about sex. More than that, it’s necessary. Sure, it may be uncomfortable or raunchy or risque at the beginning, but wasn’t everything? Do you remember texting your partner for the first time? Overthinking every letter and word? If someone if getting up close and personal with your body, it’s important to be able to openly talk to them about it.
Talk about sex when you’re not having sex. When you’re not in your bedroom and when you’re completely clothed. Ask about a new toy or move or lube when you’re eating breakfast. Try to make sex a frequent conversation that organically comes up and flows. When you’re more comfortable talking about it, you’re more comfortable to ask questions and to discuss new things.
Remember You Deserve Pleasure
And if nothing else, remember that you deserve pleasure. You deserve to feel good in your body, to have good fulfilling sex, to masturbate, to know yourself. You deserve to feel like a smokin’ hot sex goddess regardless of who you are or where you’ve been. You deserve to learn what feels right for your body, and to follow through with that — no matter what.